The Bloggeratti-Humour

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

1) CODE: 03HUA
By:- Flashgordon
The Suitable Bride BPO

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher-Socrates (469 BC - 399 )

Got to say that Cupid, he never got it right. He struck me quite often, but doing half a job usually worse than doing nothing at all. Coz he conveniently bypassed whoever i wanted him to strike on my behalf. And whenever there was that spark of interest from the other side; he never really intervened to keep it on & build it into a roaring fire... Guess his profile was meant to be just of a Business Development Manager ; his job description did not include a Relationship Manager role . Well i can understand if it's that, but got to say he is not a remarkable success in the first profile either !!!
And time flew by; and I was often still in the list of those dreading Valentine's Day, New Years Eve & any other "I-should-be with-my-Girl friend" sort of times.
They say Something's gotta give; and lo behold; it happened for me too. i met someone really wonderful at my office. Thank god for Diversity Policy of the company !! She was gorgeous, intelligent, had an amazing sense of humor (& more importantly thought the same about me) in short just great, soon we started talking.. & then couldnt stop.
We used to be with each other all the time. Sometimes a jog in the mornings; maybe meet up for lunch; chat on office messenger between work and again talk an hour every night after she got home. Every moment so scintillating we couldn't really bear to be apart from each other for too long.The times we went out on weekends; have to say i did enjoy the envious stares of those nerdy "girlfriend-less" types;-)
And thus we decided to get married ............................................... Well, as per plan ; she's now married; though i'm yet to :-((
Ok, there did happen a couple of incidents in between, which i decided not to mention till now; that the flow of the story is not disrupted. For example; her fiance ( yeah, there is a villain of the story ; or hero?)came back from the ship (where he works 7 months an year), expectedly all the hell broke loose & she decided it was better we dont meet ever again.
And so where i've mentioned earlier "We decided to get married"; well :-((( it was not really to each other. She decided to get married to that long term fiance & i decided to get married to whoever destiny had intended for me. As Dil to Pagal Hai would have me believe "There's someone in the world meant just for you". Oh yeah; Just like Liz Taylor had Nicky Hilton, Micheal Wilding, Mike Todd, Eddie Fisher, John Warner & Larry Fortensky all meant for her !!! (Quizzing expects you remember all 7 husbands of Liz Taylor; maybe she doesnt remember all herself)
had nightmares of becoming a male version of Bridget Jones in about 7 odd years !! Still single approaching 34 i& updating my diary on the alcohol units consumed & calories added on. But this being Swades you usually have parents waiting patiently for u to be of marriageable age. Also in my case 2 married sisters, 18 pairs of Uncles n Aunts,about 45 first cousins, 100s of second cousins & millions of myriad relatives all over the world !!
So one day my dad informed me that they 're launching the The Suitable Bride project
Project objective: Just get N MARRIED asap
Expected date of project completion: Latest End 2005
Scope : Use all the available resources at hand* to find a suitable bride
(Available Resources: 2 married sisters, 18 pairs of Uncles n Aunts,about 45 first cousins, 100s of second cousins & millions of myriad relatives all over the world !!)
Divine Intervention: Might be Essential, Special Novenas , offerings etc to ensure same The first Project Discussion meeting went on like this
Me: Ok, I will get married for sure , but you know wot, I intend to find "The One" myself ; there's no need of anyone else doing it....
Dad: Fine; but of course u dont really have the time for all that; being busy at work n all, do u ? Look at all the resources at OUR disposal??Can you beat that??We will just help you in your search; shortlist candidates for your approval
Me: not really convinced this will work...
Dad: Consider this like your BPO thingie; u dont have time;we have plenty, so just imagine u have outsourced this task to us !!!
Aaha!!! Now it made sense to me !!!! Like a 3rd party BPO; a company outsourcing non-core activities to an outside vendor which having better resources to perform the task can do it better. I had not thought of it this way..Well, though i'd not really like to admit that finding a girl is not my core competency, I'd to admit there was some logic in outsourcing)
As i couldnt give up so easily I decided to set this condition Me: " The Quality Control lies entirely with the entity which is outsourcing so I will be the final word" !! That was not really a concern for Dad and thus was launched "The Suitable Bride BPO“
Project Update : As we speak now the biggest (wo)man hunt in History is on....Newspaper ads, Shaadi Websites , (click n mortar model??)Personal references.. The entire armada of relatives have been roped in to this task...News comes thick n fast ..There's this girl: Someone's cousin's neighbour's classmate; that nice girl we saw in church(might expect a god fearing guy ;-)))... Wedding videos are scanned for perennial bridesmaids who are potential brides.. Occupants of the photo albums of matrimonial agencies smile at me (believe me these offer more choices than Jenson n Nicholson Paints catalogues)
Even little cousins are reporting nice class teachers (doesnt beat us, doesnt get angry even if i dont do homework) ...

The tsunami of profiles has begun to hit me..

A dentist??: Out of Question.. Will i have to discuss the inclination of canines and fillings to be used in molars all day??
A Vet Doctor: No way; The only animals i deal with will be on my dining table.
A Software engg: Maybe; cant escape them. They're just everywhere in Bangalore. But will i have to ask "which platform do u work on?" as a conversation opener? (I once asked a shoe polish guy at Bandra station the same question ;-))And tho' i speak English, Hindi, Malayalam, French (some German & Tamil too) wot if she can speak no language but C, C++, JAVA??Duhh!!
A fashion designer: Funky, but wot if she doesnt consider me a cool accessory for too long? Will i have to wait till i am back in vogue as retro?.
An MBA: More or less what i have in mind. But still single? Most girls who join MBA do find their life partners there (or by then). How come she didnt??And no way i'll go ahead if she is from a higher ranked Institute than mine. I'll have to go into hiding every time Business Today/ Outlook/ Business World publishes their annual Bschool rankings..
Obviously I havent found "The One" yet....I'm hopeful though ; You know what; maybe there is really someone out there......... (not talkin abt aliens here)

2) CODE: 05HUB
By:- Mukund Pant
In Mars We Trust - IV
This post has been inspired and prompted by a statement that a friend of mine made that he could write a thesis on the lines that women use to get out of sticky situations.....

She: You see that chap there? I think he’s damn hot!
Me: Yeah? I think he looks gay actually…..Hahaha (seeing her expression now)….errrr……ok…..ummm…..
She: F*ck off! He’s HOT!!!!
Me: OK…as you say….
She: What are you looking at?
Me: Nothing, nothing….just that female there at the bar…
She: Listen! You’re out with me ok??? Stop looking at other women!!!
Now, considering that the “she” in question was my COUSIN, I failed completely to understand what the entire “don’t look at other women” thing was about!!!! So, in usual style, I decided that perhaps the best way to unravel this mystery was to ask another woman about it. The answer I got was, well, nothing short of mystifying in its own right!!!
“See, it’s like, even if we women are out with someone we’re not seeing or anything, we don’t like it if the guy is looking at someone else. It’s not really like we’re jealous, but well, you know. (I don’t actually – JB). And like, if we’re looking at some guy we find hot, we know that you’ll understand!” Huh????? It went on, by the way. “Like, even if I may have turned down a chap, I would feel really pissed if he spoke about some other woman.”
Now, this just about tore it, as I am sure you will understand (unless I am the only guy here that feels a bit hard-done by this mentality of women), and therefore, for the benefit of mankind (pun intended) at large, I have decided to just pen down a few truths.
Women, stop reading here, because your dirty, dark secrets are going to be exposed. I’ve warned you!!!! Now, guys, remember, when a woman does something wrong, or wants something from you that you would not normally (I mean when you’re in your senses) do or give, she uses a few weapons and lines and you’d be well advised to be on your guard when you see or hear these signals.
1. “I was so confused”. This line invariably means she screwed up and wants you to ignore. It’ll be accompanied with the “Poor me” expression, wide eyes and welling tears….
2. “I…I thought…I thought you’d understand”. This comes with a quavering voice, bitten lip and more welling tears……it means she really really really screwed up and wants you to ignore in the interest of your relationship and your health!!!!

3.“I…I didn’t know…I didn’t know what to do!” This is meant to appeal to your chivalry (and the MCP streak in you) and make you think of her as a “poor, weak woman” and forgive her big goof-up. All the time, she’s laughing her guts out!!!! Oh and yeah, need I mention, this is also accompanied with….yes, tears!!!!

4. “Don’t ask me to choose…..please.” (More wide eyes and sadness reflecting in the tears that are just ready to spill). Yeah, this line is meant to postpone your ultimatum to her…’s the time when she makes you accept the state where she’s having the best of both the worlds….you are expected to play the willing martyr….

Now, there are tons more, but those will have to wait for another day…..and are you wondering how I forgot their primary weapon? I didn’t actually….I was just saving their best for my last….
Tears!!! Now, IBM talks of “on-demand business”. But trust me, nothing is as on-demand as tears for a woman. So, whether it’s the time you caught her cheating, or spying on you, or the time she falsely accused you, or just when she wants attention or whatever, she’s gonna cry. Now, most of us guys know this already, but we’re still scared s*itless when we see tears!!! And these diabolical creatures use this so well to their advantage!!!!! So the next time you see her cry, you know you should be on your guard!!!!
Now, I must also give you my advice on this. If you’re a sensible guy, (which by reading my blog you prove you are), you will remember these things and nicely choose to completely ignore them when you’re with a woman next……unless you want a broken leg, an arm in a sling and a bleeding nose…..not to mention a broken relationship/friendship………or a sulking cousin…..Now, if I receive any more death threats in my comments, I’ll know that you women failed to heed the statement where I asked you to read no further….provoing another thing….women don’t listen!!!Yeah, this is also reflected in that “driver” joke…..which I am sure you’ve all heard…..(drop a comment if you haven’t ;-) )

3) CODE: 24HUA
By:- Jammy
I think I am a Casanova

I think I am real cool Casanova. I have at least 5-6 pretty girls calling me every week. Shhhh….Rekha doesn’t know. This will be our little secret.

These girls are pretty and are gifted with sweet, seductive voice. Actually, let me be open with you. I don’t know if these girls are pretty, but they do sound pretty pretty. Not that it matters, but in terms of setting a man’s World right… visual aid is second only to humanitarian aid.
These girls would call me almost every day and ask if I was ready. That is, if I was ready to use their services. When they say services, they meant nothing but credit cards. And I am sure your slimy, corrupted mind would have imagined a hundred naughty things.

Here is how I spoke to the first lady who was trying to sell me a credit card –

(This was four years back, and I was new to Chennai. I was a rookie in the world of conmen, bluff, cheats, criminals, double-crossers, dupes, frauds, grafters and swindlers.)

She: Hi, am I speaking to Mr Jamshed V Rajan?
Me: Yes, please.
She: Sir, I am calling from ICICI Credit cards, and we have this no-yearly-fee offer for Sify Employees.
Me: Credit cards? Hm….

(I was in a state of shock. I never believed I would one day own a credit card. I thought it was for the cool guys..and I was nowhere close).

She: Sir, this offer is valid only till this month end. And I would suggest you go for it right away.

(She addressing me as ‘Sir’ in every sentence was getting to my head. I don’t get addressed by that title every day)

Me: That was so nice of you to take the trouble to inform me about this offer. What favour can I do for you in return?
She: Nothing sir, this is plain social work.

(She would then ask me my Cost To The Company (Salary) and how many years I had put in with Sify etc)
She: Sir, We can offer you a Gold card. Also, if you have a picture of yours …we could use it on the credit card. (on the right you see the pic, I sent)
Me: That would be great. I really like you. Thanks a lot for doing so much for me. Perhaps, we could meet somewhere and get to know each other better.

(I was under the impression that she was doing all this for me because she was in love with me and wanted to impress me. I asked her out because I thought it was a man’s responsibility)

She: Sir, we could meet after you get the Gold card.
Me: Sure we can. And could I ask you a favor …please, don’t address me as ‘Sir.’
She: Sure Rajan. So I will send one of my executives with the application form.

In a day’s time an executive from the Bank came and in a few days time, I would get my first Credit card.

My dream girl never called after that. I tried calling the number from where she had called me, but a giggling girl would tell me that Radhika (that was her name) had quit her job.

As days went by and I recovered from a bout of Devdas-sickness, I started going to office. Almost immediately, I started getting many more such calls from ‘pretty’ girls and soon I forgot my heartthrob Radhika.

While I felt happy that so many girls were taking interest in me…to this day…I fail to understand why they all shy away from meeting me!

4) CODE: 31HUA
By:- Deepak Jeswal
Kitchen Kitsch

The maid is on leave; in fact, she has not come in since the time I returned. For the first two days I gave her the benefit of doubt of not knowing /remembering my return date. Today, I verified from a couple of other places where she works, and learnt that she has indeed been on an extended Holi holiday.

A quick glance at the kitchen sink made my heart sink faster than Titanic. Not that I have many utensils in the first place, but the way they were thrown into the narrow steel basin made the Everest look like Snow White’s entourage! The grease/grime and the sticky, browny look were not encouraging either (though I always take care to soak them in the night)

Last night I had skipped cooking dinner, hoping that she would be here today morning. My optimistic outlook lasted till the evening when I went to verify her whereabouts, sheepishly knocking at unsuspecting people’s places asking about her.

Since her return might take an indefinite time, realization dawned faster than Archimedes could scream ‘eureka’ that if I had to avoid any further eating out binges, I needed to clean this stuff fast.

With the deepest sigh that would make Romeo proud, I put on a favorite Lata Mangeshkar CD, and started the rub-and-scrub session.

Half-way through the tedious process I concluded that all advertisements were a big farce. Neither the ‘super-cleaning’ Vim bar nor the powder cleaned away the grease with the effortless stroke shown in such ad-films. Worse, how can the ladies shown in the film beam through the act as if they have won a million-dollar lottery? Or, are these ad-films a case study in masochism? Or, do ladies genuinely get orgasmic pleasure in scouring sullied utensils?

Though the melamine plates were easy, the pressure cooker and the ‘kadhai’ proved to be tough customers. I swear I could not have created so much foam in the bathroom ever as I did on these two stubborn artifacts to have them reach a semblance of cleanliness.

I attacked them viciously and lecherously with a singular ‘shakti’ till they succumbed to my curse-sting grouch!

The two have never looked more cleanly ever!

I let out a silent prayer that thankfully, just yesterday, I had broken a glass, which meant one item less to clean. Perhaps, I should buy the paper glasses now. As I reached the turn of the humble steel glasses, I realized that there were only two of them left. Now, I am sure that I had brought a full set of six glasses. With hands covered in vim and foam, I looked over the house to find the rest – they were scattered all over the place; one, outside in a corner at the porch; another, below the bed, which proved to be a blessing in disguise because from there I also unearthed a lost pair of socks; the balance were on various window-sills. Relieved that all six of them had not deserted me, I went about my mission.

After a grueling three-quarters-of-an-hour, I had the kitchen sink cleaned up; since, in the background, Lataji was urging ‘kisise darrna nahin, darr darr ke jeena nahin’ I decided to follow her advise, and not be scared or cowered down by the mess all over. Thus, I spent the next half hour tidying up the entire kitchen – cleaning the shelf and the gas, placing things where they are meant to be, removing empty ketchup and water bottles and mopping off all the extraneous dirt.

As I stepped back to admire my own hardwork, I noticed that the sun had set. At the same time, it dawned on me that after putting in so much trouble I was in no mood to cook and soil and spoil my efforts. Hence, it would be a dinner out today also, I told myself resolutely.

Thus, the entire chakra that started off with my unwillingness to go out, ended up being the reason for my actually stepping out into the balmy Kathmandu evening and rushing to my favorite fast-food joint. Touche.

5) CODE: 41HUA
By:- Pinkcy
Rubber Oops!!! its Eraser

Today my brother (my maasi's son) had come home n was irritating me with his incessant questions abt everything under the sun to put an end to his blabber i gave him a paper n pencil to draw sumthing or play around with them... but after sum time he asked me akka i want a rubber ........i burst out laughing very badly .....n poor guy he didnt understnad y the hell am i laughing like a person in an mental asyllum ........n then i asked him not to say rubber instead try saying Eraser which is more sophisticated ........but these little kids will always do the opposite of wat others say so he wanted a gud explanation and a reasonable answer as to y he shud say an eraser rather than rubber .........
Childhood is so pure n innocent tht v never realised tht there wud b soo many different meanings for one simple word .... as a child even i used to say rubber in my school days but then the day i realised tht it means sumthing more than just erasing things frm the paper ...( u know wat i mean .......) was like a shock .........
Recently i brought a nice cute ball in an exhibition n wen my frnds saw tht in my room ... all of them had a glint in their eye n were smiling in such a disgusting manner tht i didnt realise WTH they were thinking .........i brought tht jus to play around like a small kid......thts it ......but seriosuly our minds r totally corrupted in such a way tht it can nver think in a straight way ....always have to think in a sinuous way .............
Aulthood is fully adulterated n iam no exception to this, so now if i hear the word rubber or ball or pussy cat or any other trivial words my mind first thinks of the perverted meaning n then comes the real literal meaning to those simple words...... ofcourse this doesnt happen always but then most of the times i do tend to think in a crooked way .........

I dont see any chances of my mind traversing the path of innocence again so got to deal with this adulterated mind till i die..........

6) CODE: 65HUA
By:- Anks

There was a boy in high school we will call Joey. One day Joey leaned over to the girl sitting next to him in class and whispered, "Red roses."

The shocked girl stood up, slapped Joey in the face and went crying to the teacher. The teacher called Joey to the desk and asked what he had said.

"Red roses" was Joey's reply, at which the teacher screamed and sent poor Joey to the rincipal's office. As Joey waited in the lobby to be called in, he pondered what was happening to him. His thoughts where cut short by the sound of the secretary saying he could go in. Joey walked into the office and was told to take a seat, which he did. After telling the story of how he had been wrongly accused and how he knew there was some mistake, the principal smiled and asked, "OK, Joey, I understand. What did you say to her?" Joey was sure the principal would be a reasonable man and responded
"Red roses." you could watch as the principal turned red and shouted

Joey asked to wait for the bus to take him home, since he lived some distance away.
"NO!" Then Joey was informed that if he were caught on the premises again, he would be arrested for trespassing.

Very distraught, Joey set out on his way home. He had made it about a mile down the road when Old Man Jones, the local pig farmer, stopped and offered a ride home. Joey, being very upset, of course, accepted the ride. Not more than a mile down the road, Old Man Jones asked why Joey wasn't in school, so Joey told the story of the events that had happened that day. At the end of the story, the old man said that it sounded like Joey had quite a rough time of it
"Oh, and what did you say?" Joey hesitated-- should he tell the man what he said, or not? He decided to tell him.
"Red roses."

The tires squealed as the truck ground to a halt.Old Man Jones reached over and opened the door and pushed Joey out of his car. Now very angry, Joey got up, brushed himself off, and continued on his way home. Upon arriving at home, Joey's mother, Mrs. Campbell, saw
that her son wasn't looking too good, and asked why he hadn't caught the bus. Joey told her. She fixed Joey a bowl of soup and then asked,
"Joey, dear, what on earth did you say to that little girl?" Joey wasn't sure what to do. He knew his mother loved him, but he didn't want her to have the same reaction everyone else had. But he told her anyway.
"Red roses."

Joey waited in his room with a bruised ego and a sore bottom, wondering what would happen when his father got home. Six o'clock came around and Joey's father got home. He could hear his parents arguing outside his door and then suddenly it was quiet. Mr.. Campbell came into the room and said,
"Your mother told me you had some trouble at school, but I told her you and I would figure it out. But the first thing is you have to tell me what you said."
"OK, Dad, I said red roses'," was Joey's response.

The next morning, Joey decided he needed to get a job. It was awhile before he found anyone who would hire a 15-year-old who had been expelled from high school and kicked out of the house. But Joey wasn't a quitter, and he did find a job working at a gas station in a neighboring town. After a few months, Joey had managed to get settled in his new job and had even moved into the apartment over his boss' garage.

On a particularly slow day at work Joey's boss asked what had happened that caused everything that had happened to happen. Joey went into along story of emotional stress,misunderstood youth, the pain of having lost all of his friends and family in one fateful day. The tale Joey spun was so powerful; his boss was moved to tears and, out of compassion, offered to adopt Joey.

With the firstsmile to cross his lips in months, Joey accepted. On the way to the court proceedings a few days later, Joey's boss asked him,
"Exactly, what did you say to her?" Without thinking, Joey replied,
"Red roses."
His boss grew as white as a ghost and said, "That was my niece, you little pervert!"

Once again, Joey was without a friend in the world. The next day Joey took all the money he had managed to save and bought a bus ticket to wherever the farthest place from here is. As he waited for his bus, a little old lady sat down next to him on the bench. Even though he didn't want to, she started talking, and before you knew it, she had heard almost the whole story. But she interrupted and asked what he had said.
"Ma'am, I said 'red roses'."

Well, the words were just barely out of his mouth when she started beating him with her cane. In order to flee the fury of the old woman, he ran across the road, but he never made it to the other side. He was hit by a speeding Mack truck and he died.

The moral of this story is, Always look both ways before crossing the street.

7) CODE: 66HUB
By:- Chandu
But... You never told me...

Dearest darling,
a very verry belated birthday wishes to you. I know you must be upset with me, for not wishing you on your bithday and not making you merry with gifts and adding to that the missing me from a month. Let me explain the line of events that happened on that miserable, ill-fateful night.

On the night before your birthday, after lots of pestering & pampering and finally drugging my roomie with 2 Quarters-full, i managed to reach your palace.ahem.. home on his bike. Taking a deep breath twice I jumped onto the compound wall. Ouchhhh!!!.dear, you always told me about the barbie doll u had since u r 5, but you never told me about the barbed wire fencing done to your wall. Unable to shout, I stuffed my shirt in my mouth. I felt like vomiting, thaks to my dhobi missing from 3 weeks. Bearing that I jumped into your lawn.

Now, you used to tell me "my sweet little puppy", but you never told me that your sweet little pup is a british bull dog. Despite me using my weapon, the yummy indian doggie biscuits(now u must agree that I'm genius)........ but you never told me that your doggie was a non-veggie, haaan it took it's chunk of food off my butt. Uff, I finally managed to hold on to your leaking bathroom outlet pipe to save myself from more bites.

Inspired by Stallone in Cliffhanger, I climb up the slippery pipeline, 3 meters up and 2 meters down every attempt. After an hour I found myself at your bathroom window. As in filmistyle, I removed the glass off the widow panes and jumped in only to find the stars around my head(heck ur bathroom floors is slippery). Now you never told me dear that you lock your bathroom from outside when not used. By god's grace it opened up after I banged my head on it for quite sometime not knowing what to do.

Bingo, I was in your house and the clock showing 5 short of 12. I was pretty excited. Now dear you never told me me which room do you sleep in your house. But my heart showed me the route annd I entered your room. Wishing to thrill you I crawled all the way to your bed and as i woke u up..... you never told me that your mom makes such a scary cries that can woke-up the whole colony and I bet a weak-hearted would have died on spot. How come you never told me that your mom looks just like you andyou never told me that you sleeps in the room at ground floor...grr. Only after she fainted did i noticed that i left my trousers in the lawn after the brawl with your doggie. Thanks 2 my Jocky that saved my day. I told myself Run johnny run. ... now dear..

You told me that your father had a big heart, but you never told me about the big body that bears the heart. I did offered my last prayers as he stopped & jumped on me. The 150kgs rock showed its impact on my bended back . you never told me that your brother who tried stopping me is an inter-city body building champion. I came to know that when the doc here told me about my 6 broken ribs.

Yup dear I am in the XYZ hospital from the last one month. You know what, the lady over here whoz taking care of me.... looks like shez the doc's sister (he use to call her so) is so angelic that she has written this letter as I dictated or rather I made shrill sounds. ha i enquired and she is not yet married. You have to come here and see for yourself how sweet she is. Now come fast here. please avoid the make-up session before coming here that may take a day or 2.

Yours dieing-hard love

P.S 1:- Please bring only liquid food, as of now I can't eat anything solid. A Johy walker will do.
P.S 2:- Can you please bring back the gold pendant hanging around your mom's neck(secret sources info) that I bought as a gift for you and lost it in your house while fleeing
P.S 3:- My bike is still with the pawn broker who geerously lent me the money for buying the gift. Now can u lend me some more bucks(add it to the already exisiting credit of mine)
P.S 4: Thanks to your doggie, dad, brother-a plastic surgeon, a neurosurgeon, a bone specialist respectively had expiremented on my body. So any timely monetary help would be highly appreciated. Sacrifice this week's shopping plan of urs naa..
P.S 5: Don't forget to bring a bunch of flowers for the doc's sister.:B

Now- any coincidence to the events mentioed in the above letter is not my responsibility. ***imp of all this didn't happened to me ***. It just came out of my murky mind standig 5'6" above my feet.

8) CODE: 69HUA
By:- Ashish Dange
Punjabi ... by nature !!
Disclaimer: The author writes without prejudice towards any community or person. Any resemblance to any person(s), situation or incident ..... though inevitable .... is absolutely unintentional.
I am a Half Punjabi.
Now, neither of my parents had anything to do with Punjab. I am a 'half' Punjabi because of Monisha. Monisha .... let me introduce .... is THE better half. "The only half who is any good", as she often says. And I concur. Not because I necessarily agree, but because I have agreed to necessarily concur. :-).
Now, Monisha is a 'true blue' Punjabi you could say that I have inherited half of punjabi-ness through marriage. I have always liked the Punjabi's. To this day I remain intrigued by their behaviour / traits / habits ..... characteristics that I choose to collectively call (for the want of a better word) Punjabisms. Now, I am sure each one of you has his/her list of Pet Punjabisms ... let me open the forum and give you mine.
1. Rhyming-Shyming
Haven't you all noticed how punjabi's seem to rhyme the most improbable of words. 'Mobile-Shobile' .... 'Party-Sharty' .... 'Chicken-Vikkan'.......'Daaru-Shaaru' all come in pairs. In fact, the last mentioned is also served 'double' ;-). (Patiala isn't just the name of a town in Punjab, heh heh). Can you conjure up an image of a Punjabi munda/kudi ....without thinking rhyme-shyme ??
2. Purnunciation
I love the way the Punjabi's speak. It takes some time to actually get the hang of how they pronounce certain phrases, but you got to agree that it is a style statement by itself. 'Yeh kya tu ab tak m'rrruti chalata hai ? Yaar, 'steem .. crola-shrola le lain. Aafter aal ... a car is a mayyar of a persons calliburr.' For those who don't know : Mayyar=measure. Everything else is easy to comprehend, hopefully. Ha ha ha.
3. Size does matter .....
... in everything except, possibly, mobile phones. With due reverence to the creative brains who coined this phrase ..... 'Live life King Size' to me defines Punjabi lifestyle, and not some cigarette variant. To many Punjabi's .. what you are, is all about 'kedi gaddi .... kinne marle ki kothi .... kinni property-shoperty'. Obviously bigger being, necessarily, better. Immediately after marriage we were visiting with Monisha's relatives. Within the first five minutes of meeting him, Mamaji wanted to know the 'net worth' of yours truly and family. The Maharashtrian in me chose the customary path of least resistance. I remember saying ... ' I would not want to be known for the money that my family has .... but would like to make my own fortune' ..... this or something similarly 'gol-mol'. Mamaji was visibly uncomfortable through the remainder of the meeting ..... i am sure disturbed at being unable to 'place' me on his scale of the social hierarchy.
4. Custom and costume.
Lastly a couple of things that never fail to intrigue me.
I have been taught to touch feet of my elders 'properly' . You know the 'sashtaang pranaam' types .... where you do a full body stretch ....touch feet of your elders while lying flat on the ground. How I wish I could have had the option of the easier Punjabi 'pairi paina'. The Punjabi's never fail to acknowledge the elders ... the 'touching feet' ritual is indulged in quite often, mostly in its quick-to-execute variant. The bow-er just about threatens to bow, seldom making it any lower than the knees of the bow-ee.
And finally, I would rate saree draping by some Punjabi Aunties as the costume mis-adventure of all times. Wardrobe mini malfunction of sorts
So, here it is ... my list of my favorite Punjabisms. If you have any that you would like to add to the list ... send 'em in
And a postscript to all Punjabi's who are raring to have a go ..... I have said that I like Punjabi's. Enough to actually marry one !!

9) CODE: 70HUB
By:- Arun Thulasi
A Kedy, A Lady and A Few Fingers
When someone who regulary cooks is out of town eating chips and warming their feet in hotel bath tubs, cursing comes to you like second tongue. Food, on the other hand, doesnt. With past experiences at turning a kitchen into a mess that makes war-torn somalia look like lalbagh in comparison (definitely, in another blog), you hesitate. But hunger tests your perseverance, and like the million times you have done already, you give up in this duel with hunger.

Vendaikkai or Bindi as the hindi speaking junta would call it, is called Okra in these parts. But to name a vegetable ladies finger needs either absolute romanticism in the breath or a severely psychotic brain in the head. Now you know what the lady and a few fingers are in the title. No points for guessing who the Kedy is.

Ladies Finger Curry. When i opened an internet page, this one was with the least complications.
Take kadai. Ha.
Heat Oil. Ho.
Cut LF. He.
Pour Oil. Ha Ho He.
Add Salt, add masala, Fry. Yawn,
Cant someone throw me a real challege was how i reacted.That is how i usually react when life takes a quentin tarantino-ish turn.

Did your overtly cleanliness-conscious mind make you clean the LF with water just before cutting it ?? You going to have LF halwa for dinner. Turns out that you clean them up a day back, and wipe it with a dry towel if you want it to have a semblance of a fry than some sort of solid stew coz LF in itself yields some watery substance.

Did you pour oil, and then think about jothika in the idayam ad and pour even more oil ?? The cut LF would feel like fish after Exxon Valdez.

Did you just spray the chilli powder to make it more "Indian" ?? Congrats, you just invented an eco-friendly solution for rocket fuel.

In an effort to make it more eater-friendly, you got reminded that adding salt helps, but forgot how much ?? Aahh, you are the new moses of our times, you have your own personal red-sea aka hyper-chillied-super-salted-semi-solid.

When the operation was done, it was successful, but the patient was dead as a dodo. I debated donating this to someone. But manslaughter and homicide are serious offences out here. So in went the first piece with a paratha. Standing in the midst of my kitchen, as my own preparation found its way into my throat, i felt it. Cut here. Da Vinci, with paint all over his body and face. Cut back to me in the kitchen with a turmeric stained tee-shirt. Play Wagner's "Ride of the valkyries" here. Cut back to the freshly painted Monalisa. Cut back to my LF fry. let the message sink in with people, wait for a few seconds. Cut back to all those angry people who are chasing me with rocks, stones, pickaxes and a Uzi.

12;15 pm on a saturady might not be a great time, but it dawned on me. It doesnt matter how someone else is going to judge you as long as i eat my food and manage to stay